Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
