Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
