There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
