Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
