im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
