how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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