i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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