I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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