i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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