im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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