Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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