life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
