New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
