Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well I just put wine in my tea
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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