My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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