I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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