Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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