im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
