Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
