I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
