You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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