hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
