You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
