I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
