I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
