i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
