you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
