i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
