The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I have tasted many bathrooms
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
