Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you had me at cake vodka
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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