i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
