o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
