i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
