shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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