if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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