You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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