Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
