I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
