The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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