To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Randomize
