My friends, they love my intelligence
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
