i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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