i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
