whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she peed on how many people?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
