I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
