his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
