i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
