then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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