**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
