Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
