he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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