my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
