god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
