On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
