Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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