I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I think my vagina is haunted
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
