In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
