I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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