I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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