my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
